My sister just gleefully confessed to me that she is having an affair with her boss. She has been bored in her marriage since her husband started being a volunteer fire fighter and been away from home more often. She isn't using protection because it "doesn't matter" if she gets pregnant or not because her husband will be excited about a baby. He has wanted to be a dad since day one and they have been trying for about four years.
My sister has always had irregular periods and we all are working poor. Getting new eye glasses and dental work means going into savings. My sister has always been the pretty one and feels she settled by not going to California to be an actress. My brother-in-law is a decade older and not the brightest bulb so to speak, but he is sweet, honest, hardworking, and adores my sister. My sister wasn't drunk. She just spoke about the affair out loud like she was commenting on the weather.
I feel sick. I can't sleep. I can't think why my sister told me. We see each other a lot but aren't what you would call close. It feels like a dare to me. My sister often played mind games with her friends and old boyfriends in high school. But she is 28 now!
I lost my husband two years ago and moved back home. I worked and spent the rest of the time caring for my mother and grandmother. My sister rarely helps beyond coming over for dinner. What do I do here? Some part of me wants to pretend the conversation never happened, but I know if my sister decides to declare a pregnancy, I will not be able to pretend anymore. Should I record my sister or confront her over text? Why even tell me?
This is a difficult call. I really struggle with deciding when people should report on infidelity, because I think the calculation changes based on the relationships that exist with everyone involved and what's at stake.
I sometimes come down on the "It's not your business" side when I believe it's possible that the couple may have an open marriage or some kind of agreement that explains the "infidelity." But that's not the case here. I also try to be cognizant of the fact that the cheater may never forgive the person who speaks up. But in this case, you aren't close to your sister and don't seem to like her very much. And the value of potentially protecting the person who's being cheated on from sexually transmitted infections is always in the back of my mind. The fact that your sister has clearly said she's having unprotected sex gives this even more weight than usual.
With all that in mind, I think you should find a way to anonymously share this news with your brother-in-law, with as much proof as possible. The receipts will be key because imagining a situation in which, he, 10years older, not the brightest bulb, and married to someone known as "the pretty one" -- pretty enough that she thinks she should have been an actress -- is going to resist accepting the facts as much as he can. All you can do is provide the information.
In the meantime, you should think about what you will do if he doesn't leave her, and if they do have a child who you think isn't biologically his. At that point, I would urge you to keep quiet. You'll have already done your duty. Your brother-in-law will, thanks to whatever calculations he's made, have a child. And you will have a new niece or nephew who just happens to resemble your sister's boss.
Dear Prudence,
My friend has a 7-year-old son who is a hopelessly spoiled only-child. He is rude, whiny, bratty, disrespectful (he thinks nothing of cursing at or insulting even adults!), and believes the world exists to revolve around him. On those rare occasions when he is refused what he wants, he will steal it. I've seen this first hand -- I was with my friend when he was told he couldn't have candy at a grocery store, and he grabbed one from the display and ate it then and there, forcing her to pay for it. Would it be permissible to tell her what I think of the little shit?
I was going to say no. But on second thought, I wouldn't want anyone who harbored this much hate toward my child -- no matter how deserved it was -- around him. So you know what? Go ahead and tell your friend what you think. Even if you phrase it as kindly as possible, this will probably mean you don't see her or her kid anymore. You'll have aired your grievance and she'll be able to protect her kid from someone who's raging over candy bar theft. That would be for be for the best.
Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I just moved into a full one-bedroom apartment built onto my in-laws' house. All parties involved are really excited for this arrangement, including me! I'm running into one uncomfortable issue with my brother-in-law, "Ben," who also lives in the house.
Whenever Ben finishes using a toilet, there are sizable smears of poop left on the seat.
My MIL stations Lysol wipes in the main upstairs bathroom (Ben's primary one) and a few years ago placed a small "Please clean up after yourself" sign there, but neither has had an impact on the mess. And there are no tools to deal with the mess left on other toilets in the house. When the bathrooms get cleaned, it's my MIL's doing. The family approach to the issue is to just clean the toilet before you use it with whatever's available, and that it's just a fact of living with Ben.
Ben is autistic, and while there are areas of his life where he's operating like a fully capable adult (he's 29 and works in an office full-time), there are a lot of key ways he's bolstered by still living at home. Ben is very stubborn and it takes monumental effort to get him to change anything about his life, big or small. It's not clear to me what of my in-laws' bolsters are in place because he truly needs help managing parts of life because he's autistic vs. what is in place because it's easier for my in-laws to keep taking care of him than fight to push him towards more independent living.
For the years that I've just been a visitor in the house, I haven't felt like it was appropriate for me to say or do anything about the toilet issue. I work full-time remotely and am going to be setting up my office upstairs in the main part of the house -- my in-laws generously invited me to do so since there's not a good working space in the attached apartment. So my closest toilet is going to be the one Ben primarily uses and is most often the messiest.
When it's boiled down, this is mainly a convenience issue for me -- I can absolutely just go the little bit of extra distance to the apartment to use the toilet in my husband's and my space. But I am still wondering if this new arrangement with my family opens the door for me to have a direct conversation about this, and ask Ben to start cleaning up after himself. I'm really cognizant of being invited to live under this roof and I don't want to rock the boat by assuming I have the full story of what my family needs -- or asserting my comfort above those needs! -- just a few weeks in.
Just go use your own bathroom. Ben and your mother and father-in-law are all adults, you are a guest in their home, and your instinct that it isn't appropriate for you to weigh in on this -- which could be really embarrassing for everyone, and also assumes that they haven't all done their best to address the issues already -- is totally correct. Put "the toilet issue" out of your mind and go rake leaves or dust the ceiling fans or shop for some meals that you can prepare for the family. As a person living rent-free thanks to your in-laws' generosity, I'm sure there are ways you can contribute that don't involve meddling and getting way too personal.
About 10 years ago, he kicked my mom out of the house and moved in with a woman that he met at a strip club (Brenda) who he then fell head over heels for. She was a nice woman but she didn't love him (she said so). Then she died and it ripped him apart. He's now living in a different state, and when I went to visit him he told me that nobody down there knows about my mother who died last year and that Brenda was his only wife and I presume also my mother. He didn't acknowledge my mother's birthday to me, but every year gets a hold of me on the anniversary of Brenda's death to "remember her." It really hurts, and I love my father, but I'm not sure I can keep up communication with him. I'm just so angry. What should I do about that?