Dr. Barton Goldsmith
We all go through millions of emotions in our relationship. Hopefully we are in a positive frame of mind most of the time, and other times we can be neutral or even have negative feelings about our partners and ourselves. If you find yourself dwelling on negative feelings, there may be unhealthy dynamics in your relationship.
Being able to trust your lover with your feelings is part of having a great relationship. When you share something personal -- perhaps that you are anxious about something at work -- and your partner is supportive, it builds trust. It also gives you more strength to deal with whatever your issue is. However, if your partner puts you down or is unsupportive, it can make you choose to be less communicative about sharing what you are feeling, both now and in the future. If you've noticed this negative dynamic in the relationship, it's important to address it as soon as possible.
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When conflicts do occur, look at how you are speaking to each other. Certain words can act as triggers for conflict, so both of you need to be careful to avoid saying things that may be offensive or may cause either of you to react negatively or to shut down. If you know that certain words or phrases upset your partner and will trigger a conflict, avoid saying them, and learn to speak from your heart, not from a place of anger.
If you become upset or angry, it can make things very difficult, and it's also hard to trust someone who is mad at you. If you or your partner becomes upset or angry on a regular basis, your relationship will be unable to grow, and it will slowly degrade if you don't find a way to be nice to each other again. It can be as simple as renewing your commitment to be kind to the person you are sharing your life with. If you express this commitment out loud, I promise it will make a difference -- and please look into each other's eyes and feel your connection when you do.
One way to fulfill this new commitment is to make sure that you treat your partner better than you treat everyone else in your life, including other family members. This is not to say that you mistreat other people, but you need to make sure that your mate feels special from time to time. That's really all it takes, and if you both do it, your love will grow a little bit every day.
Always acknowledge when your partner does something that you find nice, attractive or special. Validating your partner will strengthen your bond and make you feel closer to each other. We can't relate in a vacuum, and if you want to create the happiness you both deserve, both of you need to show how much you care. Give it a try and let your positive emotions be your guide.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a psychotherapist. Email him at [email protected].
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