My boyfriend likes to get high right before we have sex. His claim is that it makes sex even better. Maybe for him. He thinks he's providing off-the-charts ecstasy for me when in reality he's barely able to get the job done. However, he doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth. Other than hiding his weed, what's my solution?
Are you telling him the truth after the fact or in the heat of the moment? If something isn't working, as awkward as it can be, it's most useful to let the other person know when they're doing it so that they can course correct. Convincing him later, when his memory is hazy, is going to be more of a challenge. You don't have to tell him, "I'm really not feeling this," if you're afraid it's going to curdle the mood -- instead, speak in positives. Say what you want as an alternative to whatever he's doing or direct him more specifically: Tell him to go faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. He may get the hint that when you've previously talked to him about this stuff, you weren't making it up. (Does he think you're lying to control his weed use?)
If that doesn't work and continued attempts don't get you anywhere, tell him that you don't want to have sex with him when he's high or flat-out refuse to at all. It is completely reasonable to want to be on the same plane as your partner and that's not happening when his head's wrapped in clouds. Perhaps there's more negotiating to do there -- maybe he will ask to be high some of the time. You can agree to what seems fair so that he has his fun and you have yours, but you certainly don't have to agree to everything that he's presenting to you at the moment, nor should you.
That said, you're likely to be more persuasive if you have something to compare his current performance to. That is, you have had sex with him when he's sober and prefer that, right? If so, you'll want to be clear about what you like about it better. What does he do differently when he's not high that feels good? If you have only had sex with him while he's been high, perhaps this is not a weed problem but a him problem -- he could just not know how to please you. Then what? Just make sure you are well-informed going into this conversation/series of conversations, and be ready to be very clear about what you need.
Dear How to Do It,
I've been with my wife for 35 years. We have a solid relationship, raised our kids, and are now empty nesters. The problem is that while raising the kids we fell into a routine of regularly having "quickies." Where I once could go for 20 minutes or so I now orgasm within 2-3 minutes, which is frustrating for my wife and me. This wasn't the case before kids, but now I can't help myself. This isn't a problem when masturbating, as I am in control.
I'm not sure how to fix it. I have suggested letting me stop when I get close and starting again but my wife says that ruins sex for her. I am wide open to lots of foreplay, oral, etc., but my wife says only a good 10-15 minutes of hard sex does it for her. What can I do?
It's unfortunate that your wife says that your way of prolonging intercourse -- often referred to as the "stop/start method" -- "ruins" sex for her, as it has robust data behind its effectiveness for premature ejaculation, according to a urologist I regularly speak to about such issues for this column. Perhaps your wife needs to decide which ruins sex more: stopping and starting or it lasting a maximum of three minutes. She may have to choose between the lesser of two evils for the sake of your sex life if she absolutely requires PIV.
On your end, you have a few options. Ian Kerner, A sex therapist I emailed with a few years ago for a similar question told me, "When a guy only has [premature ejaculation] during intercourse and has no problem with other types of stimulation to his penis, it usually tells me that the PE is situational rather than chronic because he is able to maintain ejaculatory control in contexts other than intercourse." This seems to describe what's going on with you. Kerner also said that performance anxiety is usually at the root of such situations. Mindfulness exercises like meditation may be helpful here (Google "breathwork and mindfulness for premature ejaculation" and you'll find plenty of examples). You could also experiment with condoms or desensitizing sprays. Some doctors will prescribe their patients with PE a low dose of an SSRI to help delay orgasm -- an option that is not without side effects for many people. You also might try edging yourself when masturbating (essentially using the stop/start technique solo) in an attempt to get your body used to prolonging orgasm as much as possible.
There is, as you point out, also oral and manual sex. Toys could also come in handy -- a dildo can go all night without needing to stop. But those options are moot if your wife only desires vaginal intercourse with a penis. There are other penises out there, of course -- though inviting a third to bed is probably not going to be a longterm solution and may create its own issues. If performance anxiety is driving your PE, your wife's insistence on nonstop sex for 10-15 minutes can't be helping and may be compounding the issue. At the very least you can ask her to go easier on you while you attempt to sort this out. This is not your problem to solve alone -- it's something you should do together.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 51-year-old man, and within the last year after much introspection I discovered that I am pansexual. My wife has been very understanding and supportive, but she deals with some jealousy and has not yet been comfortable with me being with other people. (For context, she is bisexual and has a girlfriend whom she has been dating for a couple of years.) I would never cheat on my wife or try to pressure her into something she's not comfortable with, so up to this point being pansexual has only changed my perception of the world and myself, not to mention the kinds of porn I consume.
Lately we have been discussing the idea of threesomes, which she is more comfortable with. While I'm getting very excited at the prospect of exploring my sexuality with other men, I'm woefully ignorant about some of the nuts and bolts on how to do it. I know that I will use condoms and get on PrEP, but I don't know about practical things like how to prepare for sex with a man, or how to avoid issues with poop! I just want to have a basic grasp of How to Do It so that when the time comes the moment isn't ruined by me peppering our partner with awkward questions. Can you point me to some resources?
It sounds like you're looking to bottom, as topping requires far less prep work. If you're not taking a fiber supplement, start one now -- it makes cleaning out so much easier. Look into psyllium husk -- you can buy it fairly cheaply online. There are products like Pure that are branded specifically for those who bottom, though they come at a premium. Secondly, you should get a small bulb douche that will allow you to internally rinse (like this one from Future Method). Avoid excessive amounts of water or high water pressure (i.e. don't use a shower attachment douche on full blast). You might be careful about your diet leading up to the experience, which could mean avoiding heavy/oily foods and keeping the amount light. A few years ago, I wrote a pretty comprehensive guide on bottoming prep that you should check out for a few finer points.
But we may be getting ahead of ourselves. You don't have a guy picked out let alone any sense of what your partner will be into. That's best coordinated ahead of time and very common in men who have sex with men. You don't have to script it out and I find that it's best to enter any situation with an open mind and willingness to adjust any plan as needed. However, discussing interests with your partner ahead of time will be beneficial to both of you -- it will allow you to state upfront what you're looking to get out of the sex. You should, of course, discuss with your wife what she wants, any boundaries she might have (especially if she's not yet fully comfortable with your pansexuality). Relaying this information to your potential third -- including how much your wife wants to participate and what she's interested in doing -- will be essential.
The world of queer sex is wide and so it would be impossible to advise you on all that it entails or what to look out for in this space. Being queer means a certain liberation from traditional expectations and norms, and that way that can translate into sex is via adventurousness and freedom to invent as you go along. With that said, as far as guides go, I have always been partial to Edmund White and Charles Silverstein's The Joy of Gay Sex, though the book is from 1978 so it predates AIDS/PrEP/modern technology and may not be entirely useful if you really need things laid out for you. It's also out of print. I have less experience with the book's more recent editions (I believe the most recent one is from 2006, so it also predates PrEP), though Silverstein remained one of its authors so there is reason to assume it maintained its integrity.
-- Rich
I've been dating this guy, Carl, for a bit over six months. It's been nice, but lately, I've run into a problem. Carl has a thing for women's arms. I'm not quite sure if it would more properly qualify as a kink or a fetish, but at a certain point, it's academic. Lately, he's been doing a very bad job of hiding his fetish in public, and it's honestly getting uncomfortable. How should I deal with this?