By Jann Blackstone
QUESTION: How do you suggest I deal with a lying ex? We were at our child exchange and I hear him telling our child a story that was such a lie. I had to stop him and set the record straight, but it turned into a crazy fight. Our children were crying, my ex was mad. What's good ex-etiquette?
ANSWER: Red flag alert!
First, no discussions about anything important at child exchanges. Keep it light and cordial. When I tell co-parents this, I often get, "But it's the only time we see each other. When do you suggest we keep each other informed about the kids?"
Any other time than exchanges. Exchanges are not for comparing notes or calling each other's attention to something that was not done to your liking. Exchanges are for exchanging the kids. Period. It's one of the only times your children see their parents interact. Keep it light so they look forward to that time.
If it's a time for fighting, the kids will eventually balk at returning to the other home. It is then that parents believe their children don't want to see the other parent and petition for a change in custody: "My child tells me all the time how much he doesn't want to go." It's most likely not that the child doesn't want to see the other parent. The child doesn't want to go to the exchanges. Watching their parents fight on a weekly, possibly daily, basis is just too much for them. Their only option is to refuse to go.
If your interactions with your co-parent are just too volatile, make an appointment to chat when the kids are not around. Choose a casual public setting -- not one of your homes. Have a plan for what you will say and always come to the table with a suggested solution. Stay away from calling your co-parent a liar.
Seeing something from a different perspective does not mean they are lying and being called a liar has a tendency to send the conversation into a spiral; even if your co-parent is lying, they will immediately go on the defensive and little will be accomplished.
You can hear the conversation now: "That did not happen! You are such a liar!" And the response? "I am not lying!" followed by a lot of "Yes, you are! No, I'm not!" arguing. Nothing is accomplished.
You can question somebody's motivation without calling them a liar. Try something as simple as, "I have a different perspective." Or, "I see if differently."
Although I am not a proponent of co-parenting via text, if things are so chaotic that you can't speak to one another, passing on important information through writing may be the best alternative for now. I prefer email to text. Texts can be easily misunderstood and their immediate access makes it too easy to respond in anger. And since estranged parents rarely have the ability to stop an angry text exchange once it's started, email allows a little more time to think it through before hitting the send button.
Remember, every conversation you have with your co-parent, spoken or written, sets the stage for the next conversation. If you fight or argue, you are setting the stage for another fight or argument the next time you speak. You won't be the loser if you're the first one to stop the negative back and forth. However, your children will be the winners. That's good ex-etiquette.